12-17-07

12-17-07
Mon
13:21

Wow, I have a lot I could write… 2 nights ago (Sat. night) I slept outside under a beautiful clear night sky. The air was cold… my tears were warm. There are things in me that I don’t want to have; some that I didn’t even know I had (emotions, thoughts, desires, feelings, self pity). The weight of my sinful nature and self pity was almost suffocating. That night, I argued with God a lot while laying on top of the grass and beneath the stars. I prayed for Him to supernaturally take away the sunful and undesirable things in me. He didn’t. I fell asleep still not understanding.
The next morning (Sun. morning) I continued to argue beneath the orange-red painted, sunrise sky. Later, I went into the house, sat facing a window, and closed my eyes. I could not move from that position; the war in my heart demanded my full attention. It was almost funny to ear people talking about me while I was right there. I was wearing a hoodie, so no one could see my face. “is he sleeping?” “who is that?” “freaky” “he is in a meditating monk position” “maybe he’s not there at all but he propped his hoodie up to look like it, and he is hiding somewhere spying on us” “how can he stay so perfectly still for so long” “I think he slept like that the whole night”.
That was also the same morning that Kate (a cool friend and part of the T.I. team) was leaving for Nairobe, and then for Texas. It was hard having everything happening at once. The house is noticeably emptier without Kate here. –Father, hold her heart close to Yours, so that they beat to the same rhythm-
Later in the morning, I just knew I had to get out and run and walk and pray and listen…so I did. I didn’t know where I was going, but as I walked, I felt motivated to take the road to the hospital…so I did. I found the children’s ward, and walked around there for a while. As I was walking out of the children’s ward (ward X), Isabella comes out of another room, and calls me. I got to go in and visit her daughter Gillian. The Meningitis is still stiffening her body, but even while barely being able to move, Gillian has such an amazing smile. Isabella hasn’t been sleeping much, because she has to share the same small cot with her daughter, and there isn’t enough room to be comfortable. After saying bye to them, I went around the outside wall of ward X, sat down, and prayed for the children. God totally used that to refocus my heart, quench my self pity, and build my faith.
After leaving the hospital, I walked to (and into) Tuwani slum (Tuwani farm). I walked and walked until I was almost completely lost. I played with some kids, saw a huge variety of churches (and other assemblies), and saw a lot of neat areas. I brought no money, water, cell phone, or anything else, so I was relieved when I finally found my way out of the slums. Again God used this to further set my heart to the pulse to the True Beat.
I found my way (with the help of children) to Grace Way (the school and church on the edge of Tuwani). By the time I got there, Caleb, Eva Joy, and Aly already left, so I decided to walk home. As I was walking away, Wycliffe’s daughter Judeth called me and told me that they were at her father’s house. She led me there, and I was reunited with my family. I spent the rest of the day with the 3 of them, and that night we ate together at Karibuni Lodge (where Caleb and Eva are staying) (phenomenally amazing food). We had a great time of talking and fellowship (and food). I am soo thankful for Caleb, Eva Joy, and Aly.
At the end of the day, God still didn’t supernaturally take away my natural tendencies to make a mess and be a mess. He gave me a chance to have faith in Him instead of just solving (or feeling sorry and whining about) my own problems. He wants me to die and live with Him; He doesn’t want me to become tougher, number, and more self sufficient.
…and then He blesses me…a lot!...
As Rich Mullins once said, “it don’t do to fight with God because He always wins. He bloodies your nose and then gives you a ride home on His bicycle.”